Call me JinAir~, I was born in Singapore when The Island nation was still a state in Malaysia. The things that i remember off my mind... attended nursery for a short while...my grandfather send and pick me up but it wasn't long...i stopped don't remember why...one day with 10 cent in my hand i walk quite a distance maybe about 2 km to the market to purchase a toy...can't remember what...all i can remember was crossing the road in front of a parked van, when suddenly motorcycle hit me...i remember flying through the air and landed on the road...when i came around...still had my 10 cent in my hand...i was in the arms of a police man...still remember the smell of the uniform till this day...comfortable i was though. I remember laying in the ambulance, the siren was on....I must have fall asleep because the next thing i remember opening my eyes ...i was laying in bed with my parent with me. In the hospital i remember seeing a patient next to me having a good meal...but i wasn't allow any food...just drink...than the uncle hand me an orange which i appreciated very much...i kept it awhile. I was comfortable and feeling sort of independent..able to stay all by myself without feeling fear or afraid... maybe that the first time i was left alone...but most of all the hospital was comfortable.

I was told...during the accident...my mother was baking a cake...burned the cake was...sorry mum...my cheek was injured...so as my elbows and knees.... other than that i am okay.

I remember going to school in an army van....my farther was with the 19th. Signal Royal Regiment of the British Army...base in Changi Airport. I remember occasionally a nurse would come to my class and call out student to go to the dentist. Sometime my teeth was clean and check at times tooth were extract...but thank to the dentist...i still have a strong full set of teeth. There are two distinct thing i remember to this day....i learned sewing...i can sew till now i used that skill...the other thing...during an exam one of the question was naming parts of a mushroom...i did not know what the underside of the head of the mushroom was call...looking at it closely ...it look like a fish gill...so i wrote Gill..and to my surprise the answer was correct... i am proud of myself, until now i still remember it well..Gill hehehehe. From Bedok Primary School, i was transfer to Telok Paku Primary School...my father got an army quarters. it was big and clean. Every evening my dad would take me and my younger brother to the beach...nice and comfortable..but i was scare of water....no knowing to swim. Truck will takes me to school everyday...at time i decide to walk back home through the wood...how innocent it was...do not know fear everything was nice and comfortable... in school i am involved in gardening...every Saturday we would go to school and do gardening and cleaning the school compound...after that we will be shown movie at the science lab...it was an honour to be treated such.

Point to ponder...childhood memories it is always the best...full of innocent and truth. Thanks mum and dad for taking care of me well...you have provides the best for me and my brothers.

continue on the next post :)

today i came to office, not to work but to apologies to my colleagues for not able to perform my duty. looking at things positively... i am once again being test by Allah... for what i asked for. i am at the lowest end of the wheel in mind and spirit. i think and i feel i know why and what the point are... i needed to be patient very very patient, in time it will be reveal to me, just that i do not know if i could overcome or succumb to the battles injuries.

Forgive me if in my profile i wrote a statement as such... for this instant this moment that is how i feel and like to share...pour out. i needed to ...to lift a bit of the burden i carry. i will change it when the darkness is lifted...i shall... thanks for being patient... smile i am not able :(

After a long silence....may be this be the start for me to writes...

this is truly the saddest day of my life... what i can say is... i have been always honest to myself from day one..and always have to those close to me...but at this moment ...i felt betrayal... lost not only a friend of recent..but that particular day...i lost too something of precious to me...i also lost trust even to myself and the principles that i have withheld...it has been a wonderful journey... maybe that was just it...a journey. i now will go on a journey...alone...just like i use too at one time...being solitaire does have it advantage....it does not hurt. just silent and calm...loneliness works best for me...care not of anyone...but just plain old me. I need to go on a journey...a long journey...well the opportunity is there...but i just need to be a bit patient... i hope i could, i wish i could, help me Allah...let my wish..my long wish that i made everyday come true... i am beaten at this very moment...i have just give up...no more hope and no more strength within to pursuit... i have always give in to goodness...but what i felt is not giving in to any goodness any more...neither to badness i give in...just to you Allah... i will erase my present in this world...little by little as how i make present myself little by little...let me finish what that ask of you to do...and take me if you still love me Allah...let me complete what i needed to do and take me then for i do not wish any more...i have always felt the love of You...i have always try to be the best with all that are the weakness in me... I have always keep You close in my heart and thank you for having teachers me and helping me along the way..i have alway felt You near to me...syukur Alhamdulillah.... last my wish Allah...let my children be successful in life and life after...i have done that i could within my mean...to those i may have offended or mistreat ...find yourself a place in your heart to forgive me...i am sorry...i may still pen something occasionally useful i hope...thanks and i now silent myself ever greatly.

i live life as well as i can, i have learned and understand as much as i could, learned i still am, i am hard... at one time, fear not of any... come what may matter not at all to me. i trained myself to be a person nerve of steel...care less and hard on me, you don't see tears on my face not ever...i build principles and hold steadfast to it...thats what being keeping me free of tears and regret ...travel i alway did, alone i am always for if i were to perish...i wouldn't care if no one found me... i like to just dissappear knowing that i would not trouble anybody...be it on land or in the sea...for all i know...the world is free for anybody. but Allah have plans for me... what i fear or not...He made understand of me, thrice death come close to me...survived i with the will of He. He gives me knowledges and make me see that knowledges i receives after i seek...share i must with all of thee.

i would like to share my friends ...that only thrice i cried profusely...the death of my father i cried because only up to that moment that i could be of service to him...for always my wealth i gladly share freely... i cried in silent the day i lost my friend...it is hard holding back tears but managed i did..so that performed i can to be of assistance to the family and would be...but be truthful to all thee...i cried profusely as i drive leaving the compound of the cemetary...that's as much of a service that i could give to my departed buddy...and last but not least i did cry silently for this time my friend i would not reveal... just to say it's wonderful but deep and painful at time i feel... let this ..in time it will reveal ;)

i truly hope thy all don't mind the way i wrote... it's not that often i write but more of my nature to read..in silent i'll always be reading page after page what ever thy wrote...but occasionally i do pen one or two freely.

I am on a weight loss mode...diet not so much...but more of starving. It's between small portion of food and none...but water a must for dehydration can kill...with the shutting down of vital organ...which will eventually lead to death. Source of energy will be from the stored fat... but watch for hypoglycemic which is too low/lack of glycogen use in the process of conversion into energy. Another thing to monitor is what food substance in the stomach...the timing too so as to make sure gastric do not be the result...than no more this fancy diet or starving....did once..waist line 44 down to 34 and weight of 103+kg down to 95kg...wish me well friend/s...and pray that i don't go cook-coo or insane extremely :)

quiz: what goes up down up down round and round up down up down...
note: the effect can happen relating to the above situation.

i am happy, but at the same time unhappy... thing change, the world change, the best thing to do is change. i no more like what is happening...it make me sad to think about it. i am trying to find way and mean to reduce this unhappy feeling...i longed for the time when things were simple. i now lost that spark of light that calm me... it time now for me to venture again into the wilderness...the sea, the island ... i have made a decision to travel...be it many...alone too i will... i do not have the sense to be careful and dare me to be front. i hope that just ahead i will meet again with the light that calm me... for barely i to make it through...this moment i am almost on my knees...

friends...you may not understand what is written. i do not tell you actually...for my site is readily available to surf...by everybody...this is just me...telling me....what i feel in me..to ease what is eating me. thanks all that read this piece...at the moment i could not tell you openly...